I like you, like you

Deep flowing calm stream
You are quieter than me
I pay attention

I am attracted to your subtlety, kindness, intelligence; humility with a hint of sadness.

There was a warrior who could not speak to his love . He wrote a poem about water and stone.

Being around you inspires me to do good things.

I had a dream that you were heartbroken, I could see in your eyes that you had been crying. I stayed with you until you felt better.

Thank you.

Please spend more time with me soon.

so much has changed

or is it just me

Creating my World

{whew}

Maybe this will lead me to a learning experience, or a new friend, or my sweetheart. I am working at making real connections with people. It is important. I want magic. I want a community. I want you to be my friend. I want to look in your eyes and see your soul and totally accept you. I want to feel what connects us all as we walk our individual paths.

I am trying to understand the lessons of pain and injustice and isolation so I don't have to take that class again.

It seems like such a challenge sometimes reconciling existence as both a light being and a primate. What an adventure, learn the rules as you go. {and remember to laugh}

Love is in everything. I see it and feel it. Why's it so scary to share it with other people?

Psychedelic Love Gathering on my Lawn

I had a flat in a larger house. My entrance was through the back yard and up a wide set of stairs through glass French doors.

Some of my current friends were my housemates - having their own apartment in the house.
I was tidying up around the place. it was evening. I stepped into another room and when I came back everything i had been working on ( laundry, stacks of mail, etc) had been replaced with decorations, like dried flowers and ting-ting and garlands of beads. I knew that this was my housemates playing a little surprise on me, but I wasn't sure why.

Then they came in and made it clear that we should all trip that night, and that some of them had already started; indeed a couple of my friends faces had started to change. I was given a small green capsule about the size of a sesame seed. It dissolved as soon as it hit my tongue, and the effects were instant as well. My friends' faces got more plastic masky looking. Everything else grew more shiny and wonderful.

We went outside, where I kept my car parked. There was a large gathering of people and vehicles and tents and food spreading from my driveway all through the front yard and in the street. the cars were parked so tightly that i had to go through one car's driver and passenger doors to get by, there was no room to walk around. The crowd was a hippie gypsy road trip bohemian following something sort of mob. I was having great fun talking and listening and absurdly people watching in my yard.

The reason they were in my yard and the object of their pilgrimage was a group of holy people, or musicians or magical gurus - some combination of these. The guru musicians were staying in the house behind mine whose balcony faced my french door entrance. They were indeed making beautiful music, saying wise things and they had decorated animals up on the balcony with them. They were dressed in light colored, flowing softly shining robes.

When I returned to my back yard and the entrance to my flat I saw that the stairs had been strewn with sweet smelling flowers and runners of shiny fabric and what looked like freshwater pearls. I opened my door and found that the inside was strewn and bedazzled in nearly the same way. On my bed was a cloth bag made of a fine translucent champagne colored fabric. Inside the bag were pearls and dried herbs and sparkling crystals and a vial of some precious oil.

The last impression I have from this dream is of being amused, and touched at the gift from the gurus and how well it suited my current psychedelic state of mind.

NyQuil Driver Dreams

I have been sleeping a lot lately, on purpose.
In my dreams, I generally get along with and like the people I encounter. I get to do all sorts of cool shit in my dreams.
In my waking life, I do not want to be around anyone or go anywhere.

Last night, I was on a vacation to the Big Island with my mom and sister. We walked around some shorelines I was already familiar with and my sister and I talked to a lady in the shady grove of a lagoon who had a little pedal type boat for sale. Our hotel room was ultra ultra modern, so that i hardly recognized the furniture and fixtures for what they were. The beds looked like nubby pixellated LEGO pieces.
At the hotel entrance I saw a man loading skis into the back of a van. I asked him if they were going to Mauna Kea - he said yes, and that the snow was great and the shuttle was only $3. I told him that I didn't have skis, but might go along and see if I could borrow or rent some. He told me the shuttle was leaving at 1:00 and I had ten minutes to decide. I ran upstairs to my uber modern room and grabbed some money. I noticed the road up to the top of the Volcano had been paved and commented on how I remembered it being gravel. There was lots of snow up top. I could see down and out forever. There were also chairlifts and a little lodge (no such thing on the real life Mauna Kea).

I asked around about skis and boots to borrow. I met old co-workers from PC, neither of them wanted to loan me their skis and were predictably snotty about it. Finally I saw a 12 or 13 year old girl sitting on the floor with her boots off looking kind of pouty and flushed. I asked if I could borrow her gear and she said yes. She had a pair of orange Technica jr racers, I think they were hurting her feet. They fit me though a bit small, and the liner under the left heel was sort of bunched up and uncomfortable but I would make do. The skis were old rusty straight skis, too short for me, with the bindings set waay back toward the tail.
Nonetheless I was excited to ski the volcano. I paid my money into a change-type machine which printed out lift ticket. I put the change from my $50 in my pocket. Then I found some stray poles and picked out the right size. Off I went down the hill. After a few turns I was in the shade of a cliff wall and had to carve up to my right around a bare rocky spot. I was surprised that my edge held. Afterword I made several short swing turns avoiding rocks etc in a tight spot. I had to traverse back to the right to get to the chairlifts rather than continue down to the bottom of the road. I road the chairlift up, marveling that I really could see the ocean forever in all directions. I made a second run, then met the shuttle driver.

Celebrity Dreams, featuring David Byrne

I regard my occasional dreams of famous people as direct messages from my subconscious/ higher self. I try to analyze them as such.


It was a dark night outside my house in some urban area. I found David Byrne sitting on my curb. He was waiting, delayed by a flat tire or something. I don't know if I was being helpful, or just friendly passing the time before he could be on his way. I told him that I kept up on his current work. When he left, he invited me to a very small local performance 7:00 PM. I remember saying 'thanks David'.

I couldn't find the venue and arrived closer to 10:00. It was really a tiny place, like a pizza parlor or bistro. There were 25 people or so; sitting, standing, applauding. DB was finishing his set, thanking everyone and saying goodnight. I felt disappointed with myself for missing the gig, but I was still happy to have been invited.

Charlie Darlie Abey Baby Day!!!!!

Apeman - by The Kinks

I think I'm sophisticated
'Cos I'm living my life like a good homosapien
But all around me everybody's multiplying
Till they're walking round like flies man
So I'm no better than the animals sitting in their cages
in the zoo man
'Cos compared to the flowers and the birds and the trees
I am an ape man
I think I'm so educated and I'm so civilized
'Cos I'm a strict vegetarian
But with the over-population and inflation and starvation
And the crazy politicians
I don't feel safe in this world no more
I don't want to die in a nuclear war
I want to sail away to a distant shore and make like an ape man
I'm an ape man, I'm an ape ape man
I'm an ape man I'm a King Kong man I'm ape ape man
I'm an ape man
'Cos compared to the sun that sits in the sky
compared to the clouds as they roll by
Compared to the bugs and the spiders and flies
I am an ape man
In man's evolution he has created the cities and
the motor traffic rumble, but give me half a chance
and I'd be taking off my clothes and living in the jungle
'Cos the only time that I feel at ease
Is swinging up and down in a coconut tree
Oh what a life of luxury to be like an ape man
I'm an ape, I'm an ape ape man, I'm an ape man
I'm a King Kong man, I'm a voo-doo man
I'm an ape man
I look out my window, but I can't see the sky
'Cos the air pollution is fogging up my eyes
I want to get out of this city alive
And make like an ape man
Come and love me, be my ape man girl
And we will be so happy in my ape man world
I'm an ape man, I'm an ape ape man, I'm an ape man
I'm a King Kong man, I'm a voo-doo man
I'm an ape man
I'll be your Tarzan, you'll be my Jane
I'll keep you warm and you'll keep me sane
and we'll sit in the trees and eat bananas all day
Just like an ape man
I'm an ape man, I'm an ape ape man, I'm an ape man
I'm a King Kong man, I'm a voo-doo man
I'm an ape man.
I don't feel safe in this world no more
I don't want to die in a nuclear war
I want to sail away to a distant shore
And make like an ape man

CANCER AND DOGS

I lived in a small village with my family. They were not my family in real life. I had to buy a car, and was shopping at the only used car dealer in the village. I had the same dogs I have now, R and M. I stopped at a clinic on the way home, I wanted to use their pool. The doctor had previously run some tests on my arm and she told me I had skin cancer. "Michigan Melanoma", very aggressive; I would need chemo and the whole bit. I gave that a long hard thought, then went outside. I had to call my dogs back from the yard next door. There were a bunch of dogs over there, big, hairy Wolfhounds, Bernese Mountain Dogs and Newfoundlands.




To dream that you have cancer, denotes hopelessness, grief, self-pity, and unforgiveness. You feel you are wasting your life away. This dream also represents areas in your life which are bothering you, disturbing you, and hurting you in some emotional way.
Dreams are symbolic and not literal -- most of the time. Cancer tumors in dreams represent a variety of unprocessed psychological and emotional materials that the dreamer may be obsessing on. They represent all of those things that bother, disturb, anger, or hurt us and that we never directly deal with or let go of. The dreamer's mental, psychic or emotional problems may be proliferating and infecting many areas of thought and function. You may be experiencing anxiety and fear as a result of a bad habit or a certain situation in your daily life. However, if you are very worried and cannot get it out of your mind, go for a physical. When is the last time you did that anyway? In more superstitious interpretations, dreaming of cancer may be considered a dream of the contrary, but also of warning!

To see a dog in your dream, symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. Alternatively, it indicates a skill that you have ignored or forgotten.

Dogs in dreams could symbolize a large variety of ideas and concepts, but mostly they are symbolic of the dreamer's defensive structure and may represent personal boundary issues. Carefully consider all of the details and the mood in your dream. First, if you have a dog, it may be natural to dream about him. We become emotionally attached to our dogs and we dream about them just as we dream about anything else that is important to us. Otherwise, dogs could symbolize loyalty and hard work. If someone calls you a dog, it is a negative reflection on your personality. If you are being treated like a dog, you are most likely being abused in some way. On the metaphysical level, dogs are consider to be the guardians of the underworld. Finally, dogs could represent the more basic or "animal" parts of our nature and some think that they specifically represent male energy.

pig dream

Dreamed the other night about making friends with a little Javelina pig in a shopping center carpark somewhere। I have never seen one in real life.








To see a pig in your dream, symbolizes dirtiness, greediness, stubbornness or selfishness. Alternatively, the pig may represent opulence and overindulgence - A pig may symbolise ignorance, stubbornness, greed or just plain bad manners - You either have illness or some great success coming to you depending on how the pig was portrayed within your dream. It was fat and dirty indicates success; while thin and clean, illness - According to the Chinese however, a pig symbolizes strength

???interpretthisdream???

whoa, interpret this dream

I was at a beach, a few old friends were there, Liz, some others I didn't recognize.

A hotel was renting kite-boarding style kites, kind of expensive but I really wanted to fly. A few of us pooled money and got a few kites. there were people who didn't know what they were doing were launching and flying in a campground area full of trees. I sort of told them off, and told them to go out near the water where they were supposed to be.

On my way back to the water, a man asked me to help take a picture for a mother and daughter that asked for help. I tried to pass it off, but he insisted.

The woman and her daughter were European. They were dressed in 1920s era clothes and I was filming them with an old 8mm camera that was made up to look like an antique.
I filmed them for five or ten minutes, just posing and laughing, like a video you would send to loved ones.

Then they were leaving. I was in their hotel room and the woman said "here, this is all for you, thank you"

I looked at a coffee table where she had left a $2 bill, some gold dollars and a gold clip. I thought, just like Europeans to tip with strange currency.

Then I looked at the vanity table in the room. There were racks and stacks packages of jewelry cosmetics and barrettes, not the highest quality, but mostly all brand new in the package. I realized that she meant for me to have it all, and I started going through everything.
There were earrings, long cocktail paste earrings and studs and hoops. There were hairpins and barrettes and curlers. There were eyeliner, lip liner and eyeshadow pencils of every color, even yellow and pink. Everything was labeled in French, but some labels also had English writing on them.
There was hair dye, of a brand I'd never seen before, it came in a bronze egg-shaped package and I had to read the label carefully to tell what colors the dyes were. I found a ginger shade that I wanted to use. There was a big display package of the silicone hair ties that I like to use. I was gathering and sorting the things I liked best when I woke up.




The message that is coming up from your unconscious mind may be one of renewed freedom or an accomplishment of a goal. Kites are generally associated with sweet childhood memories and a sense of abandonment in joy. If your daily life is difficult, this dream may be a form of compensation, or it may be a positive anticipation of things to come.

To see jewelry in your dream, signifies your own sense of self worth and personal value. It is also symbolic of knowledge, identity, or whatever qualities you hold precious in your life. They highlight the importance of spirituality and psychological riches. A particular piece of jewelry that you own, may symbolize aspects of a waking relationship.

To dream that you receive jewelries as gifts, indicates that you need to acknowledge and incorporate those corresponding qualities within your own self.

The meaning of this dream depends on your current concerns. Jewelry is usually a representation of materialistic values. Gender differences imply that for a man this dream symbolizes material wealth and for a woman, love. Careful analysis requires answering the following questions: What type of jewelry it is? Is it genuine or costume? How did you react to it and in which way was it important in the dream?

Profound dream, feels like an intervention

1/10 - 1/11 used to be a date I would save to remember as the darkest period in my life.

I had mostly pushed that aside this year, preferring my current state of gloom and depression to that of dwelling in the past.

last night I went to bed super early. After waking mid-night then going back to sleep, the dream came.

I was in the same place as O.F. and his family, a resort. I was alternately stalking him, and being put in situations where I had the choice to ignore or acknowledge his presence. He did not avoid or confront me. We ate an entire meal at the same table with me pretending he wasn't there, and feeling stress and guilt; and longing to break the ice.

I was in a basement looking at some potted flowers that were dry and in need of attention. I decided to water them. At the same time, O.F. picked up a watering can and began to fill it. "you read my mind" were the first words I spoke to him.

I watered plants in the basement, and a few other things that seemed to need watering, like a fax machine. I spoke or thought to O.F and the effect he'd had on my life and my psyche, that I had abandonment issues that were 19+ years old that were not going away and had controlled the kinds of relationships I had had all my adult life.

There was a friend of O.F's in the basement, a small framed older man who was a shaman. He had cards, and a small wooden tray like an incense holder. He said he was in the middle of doing a reading (whose)?
The little tray held colored flat glass marbles like those used for playing games. three green one red. They startled me for some reason.
I put a red on in one hand and a green one in another. I thought about what colors I wanted them to be. When I opened my hands one was yellow and the other was purple.
The shaman's response was 'there, you see'.


The dream continued with me and O.F. conversing, me realizing that I was re-living certain situations over and over and him telling me it was time to confront this and change. This is when I realized that the dream really had been set up as an intervention for me.

O.F. had to go back to Austraila. He was traveling with a co-worker/girlfriend, they were doing a video production project, maybe a documentary. There was a child with them ( O.F.'s son)? The boy was sitting across my lap. He had fine black hair, a widow's peak and prominent forehead, which were unique and striking, especially on a kid aged five or six.

After the dream had really ended and phased into other dreams, I was able to go back and recall each part of it, the vividness of my emotions. I remember feeling sweat on my upper lip and my pulse pounding in my ears at having to talk to O.F.

What I was confronted with in this dream is true. I haven't gotten over 1991.
Labels in my vocabulary like 'post traumatic stress disorder' 'abandonment' attempt to help me define what is wrong so I can fix it.

I have continued for nineteen years to put myself in situations with other people that are certain to lead me to re-experience the same shit. I am re-abusing myself because I haven't found a way to put the past to rest.

What will come of this? I want to be proactive and work on it.

(continued?)

Dream and depression

RR is trying to get a rommate house going. F is in town and blowing me off.
All I want to do is withdraw into my shell.

I want everyone to go away and leave me alone. I am tired of friends.

Dream last night was very sleep-aid induced. Dreamt of going to help empty out a very old victorian house up North. It had lovely woodwork and fixtures. Old flame was there.
There was a miniature baseball helmet full of water that had some sentimental value for someone.
I found out this morning that there are such things - vendors sell ice cream sundaes in them.


I have meetings tonight, with potential roommates, with rr, with old friend.
Right now I think I will turn off my phone and go someplace to quietly wait for all to realize that they have been blown off.

Why do I want to isolate myself?
}I am unhappy, I will be unhappy, why share?
}Other people have a tendency to make me more unhappy.
}The more alone time I get, the more i like it.