I had mostly pushed that aside this year, preferring my current state of gloom and depression to that of dwelling in the past.
last night I went to bed super early. After waking mid-night then going back to sleep, the dream came.
I was in the same place as O.F. and his family, a resort. I was alternately stalking him, and being put in situations where I had the choice to ignore or acknowledge his presence. He did not avoid or confront me. We ate an entire meal at the same table with me pretending he wasn't there, and feeling stress and guilt; and longing to break the ice.
I was in a basement looking at some potted flowers that were dry and in need of attention. I decided to water them. At the same time, O.F. picked up a watering can and began to fill it. "you read my mind" were the first words I spoke to him.
I watered plants in the basement, and a few other things that seemed to need watering, like a fax machine. I spoke or thought to O.F and the effect he'd had on my life and my psyche, that I had abandonment issues that were 19+ years old that were not going away and had controlled the kinds of relationships I had had all my adult life.
There was a friend of O.F's in the basement, a small framed older man who was a shaman. He had cards, and a small wooden tray like an incense holder. He said he was in the middle of doing a reading (whose)?
The little tray held colored flat glass marbles like those used for playing games. three green one red. They startled me for some reason.I put a red on in one hand and a green one in another. I thought about what colors I wanted them to be. When I opened my hands one was yellow and the other was purple.
The shaman's response was 'there, you see'.
The dream continued with me and O.F. conversing, me realizing that I was re-living certain situations over and over and him telling me it was time to confront this and change. This is when I realized that the dream really had been set up as an intervention for me.
O.F. had to go back to Austraila. He was traveling with a co-worker/girlfriend, they were doing a video production project, maybe a documentary. There was a child with them ( O.F.'s son)? The boy was sitting across my lap. He had fine black hair, a widow's peak and prominent forehead, which were unique and striking, especially on a kid aged five or six.
After the dream had really ended and phased into other dreams, I was able to go back and recall each part of it, the vividness of my emotions. I remember feeling sweat on my upper lip and my pulse pounding in my ears at having to talk to O.F.
What I was confronted with in this dream is true. I haven't gotten over 1991.
Labels in my vocabulary like 'post traumatic stress disorder' 'abandonment' attempt to help me define what is wrong so I can fix it.
I have continued for nineteen years to put myself in situations with other people that are certain to lead me to re-experience the same shit. I am re-abusing myself because I haven't found a way to put the past to rest.
What will come of this? I want to be proactive and work on it.
(continued?)
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